Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
