i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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