I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
