Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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