one two three fourrrrnication!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
