Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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