Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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