Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
