My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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