my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
