when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just made my gag reflex go away.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
