Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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