I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize