Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
