my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
