I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
