you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
