I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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