I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
