I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
