you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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