My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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