im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
