The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Randomize
