theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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