I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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