my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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