Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
