I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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