The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
