You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
