If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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