Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
