so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
