doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
