why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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