that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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