There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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