i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
