Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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