some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
