Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
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