so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
