u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
