She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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