I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
