Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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