A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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