I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
