Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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