just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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