I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
