it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My cat gives me a boner
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
