finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
