Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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