It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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