I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Randomize