My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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