There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
