the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
