Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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