I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
sex in a hospital.. check
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
