Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
