Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
All I want is dick and wine.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
