You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Lo siento on account of my penis...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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