I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize