I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
