i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
