So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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