Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
